I used to think I was a decently strong individual. I have always strove to achieve what I considered to be my ideal image of a strong, independent individual. I had become determined to be a woman who could face anything that came my way…. I had pretty well decided I didn’t want a relationship. No one could ever measure up to my first love anyways so why waste my time when I could be using it to better myself and create my own future? That was me. Yet things would quickly change…..
When the love of my life miraculously showed up, and it was indeed a miracle in my opinion, my entire world would be turned upside down. I found out that behind the wall I had built around my heart might have been tall enough and strong enough to hold everyone out but him… I quickly realized how vulnerable I truly was. In all honesty it scared the living daylights out of me. It took me a while to get used to someone actually caring for me and treating me like somebody. He is the first man I have ever had in my life that has ever treated me like a treasure and made me feel like I was good enough. It still blows my mind to think about how blessed I am to have him, which has made it so hard now…. Today I went with him to sign the last of his paperwork to join the military. Next week he is to go and take the ASVAB and his physical….and if all goes well find out when he goes to basic. It has been a hard day…. I feel so weak. I pray I will have the strength I need to be the woman he needs me to be. I know basic wont last forever but at this point it seems like an eternity. With everything going on the last several months, he has become my peace. Being with him I feel safe and secure, I have even almost quit having panic attacks.. With the thought of being on my own again I am so scared. I have decided the best thing I can do is to preoccupy myself to the point that my mind doesn’t have enough time to wonder much. While he is gone to basic I am going to try my darn-est to transform myself. I want to knock his socks off when I finally get to see him again. I am scheduled to work all but three days for the month of May, so between that, moving, and working on becoming the woman I want to be I am hoping the time will fly…..