Surviving…..

Hello lovelies! I must apologize for not having written in quite a while. There has been so much happen in my life over the past year. One of the biggest struggles I have had, has been living in my own body. Now don’t get me wrong. I love my body and I am learning to love it more and more daily as I am shaping it into the body of my dreams slowly yet surely. No the struggle has been dealing with the pain my own body subjects me to. The worst part is I don’t know why. I am trying to get to the bottom of it as this is something that has gotten worse over the years to the point I can’t stand it anymore.

It’s hard to go from being extremely active, as in breaking and training horses and working out from 1-4 hours a day at the gym to barely being able to lift my arms. Some days it is a battle just to get my makeup on( I usually win even though it may take me a little longer than usual.lol). I am so tired and fatigued it is embarrassing to me. I despise feeling weak, I have always been the independent girl that unloads 2 ton of horse feed by herself just because someone said she was a helpless female!lol 😛  Yet I am no longer that girl. I now struggle to carry one bag of feed more than a little ways and honestly it hurts my pride.

I try to conceal the amount of effort it takes for me to do things and often times I am capable of doing so yet I can’t always hide the pain. I have spent many evenings writhing in pain and many nights lying awake as I can’t escape it. It is as though someone took knives and randomly stabs my body….It almost feels as though my body is torturing itself. My muscles ache and spasm, my joints hurt, I have headaches several times a week, sometimes even my skin hurts. 😦

It has been hard in many different ways, but it has taught me humility and to allow others to help me particularly my fiance. I love that man more than life itself and he never ceases to amaze me at his concern and love. I am so proud of him and thankful to have him in my life. He is currently going through the police academy so its really hard being home alone all week but I’m making it. He makes me all the more determined to figure out what is going on and hopefully figure out how to fix it. He is also my reason to get up everyday and put my makeup on and press onward.

Anyways I am hoping to document my journey as I 1) try to heal my body, 2) shape my body into my dream body, aka lose some more weight, 3) grow my hair long, 4) become the best wife and lover possible. 😉

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