Feel like I’m fighting a losing battle.

I don’t mean to sound like a complainer or that I’m weak. I have always been a happy go lucky person. I have always tried my best to never be seen as anything but tough and independent. I have always strove to not have to depend on help from others but things aren’t exactly working out as I planned. It kills me. I hate feeling weak and that I need help but I do. I hate feeling miserable day in and day out. Its as if I can’t even escape my own body. I feel as though I am letting my man down. Its hard to be the woman I want to be for him when I’m hurting and so exhausted I can barely make myself get up and just cooking a meal is a battle.

If I am completely bare boned honest its so hard not to feel depressed. I mean everything that used to define me no longer applies. True dreams change…mine for the better in my mind. I have the man of my dreams quite literally, we are starting our lives together, I have a good job that thankfully is conducive to everything going on at the moment, and I have an extended family that I adore. I have so much to be thankful for yet it is so hard to remember the good when I’m in agony. In a way I have seen a side of my man that I am probably the only one to witness, the gentle nurturing side, and I count my blessings every day for him because he is my reason not to give up and throw in the towel. There have been times I feel as though he fights for both of us. He is my hero because when I’m not strong enough to fight on my own he picks me up and helps me make it through another battle.

One  of the things I hate so much about myself is that its so hard to be me. Its hard to smile and laugh and have a good time when you are sick and miserable. I have to admit it is so hard not to get depressed right now…

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