Tag Archive | confidence

Feeling Sexy???

OK now I know, I know……. everyone is supposed to love their body and feel sexy in their own skin. Do I ? Yes and no. I do love my body even though at times I feel as though it is torturing me, even still it is mine. I can’t say that I always feel sexy just because I am not where I want to be….yet. My mission is to become the woman I KNOW I am capable of being. I no longer chase ideals of what other people think I should look like, I am chase what ME, MYSELF, and I think I should look like. All my life I have listened to the voices of other people telling me how I looked and what I could or couldn’t look like. I’m done. The only people I seek to please are myself and my man. Both of which are closely tied together.

Perhaps I am old fashioned or not of my time but I don’t want the whole run way thin bones look. Perhaps it was because I grew up watching Baywatch and such that I love the way women’s bodies looked then slender yet still feminine and sexy! Now don’t get me wrong my ideals are just that mine. I’m not saying that someone who is larger and very curvy isn’t sexy. I have seen many very beautiful women who where called plus sized models and they are indeed much sexier than bones. But for me I need to slim down some more to feel my sexiest.

I began a journey a few years ago from being a farm girl who didn’t care what I looked like to someone who has begun to take pride in how I look. I feel as though I am a caterpillar slowly changing and eventually will become a butterfly. That is now my mission. to become that butterfly and make my man proud(don’t get me wrong, he already thinks I am perfect). Self improvement never hurt though. πŸ˜‰

A Fighter!

I know I haven’t posted in a little while, there has been a LOT going on lately. For a catch up moment….. My man has officially graduated the police academy and is back home. Β (I have decided that being a police wife is gonna be harder than I even expected. πŸ˜› ) Finally was able to get with a good Dr. that is actually trying to help me get things figured out. Yay!

I think one of the biggest (and best) is the fact I am getting my fighting spirit back. I’m not saying its entirely pretty.lol I can be hard to handle at times as I am a lil stubborn(ok more like the level of a mule, but thats beside the point.lol). I am trying my best to make myself well and to get back to the real me. I love to work horses and to work out. I think part of the problem honestly is just learning how to handle everything, I have let things get to me and overwhelm me, and frankly I’m sick of it.I have also not taken any time for myself. I have kept putting off things I want or need to do just to take care of everyone else and the result is I have felt depressed and begun to resent things…..not a good combination. :/

Time for change!! I am determined to take back my life. I am gonna learn to take time for me and still be able to help others as well, I am gonna get back in shape and work with my horses, I am GONNA get off the medicine which i think contributes to some problems. The fighting side of me is coming back and this time…..its here to stay!! πŸ˜‰

The weight is falling off!! :)

WOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Down another 4 lbs! I LOVE it!!! Best part is I have still been eating whatever I wanted! Granted I haven’t wanted a whole lot the last few day because of my stomach being so torn up from all the meds but still! I think I am really on to something to with having kid sized portions. I had a order of kids beef nachos from the mexican restaurant last night and still couldn’t finish them. If nothing else the fact that I am beginning to reach my weight loss goals is satisfying. I do hope to hear the first of this next week to see if I’ve been accepted by a new Dr. and hopefully I can start getting thing straightened out in that area as well.

Anyways only two more weeks left till my man’s graduation!!!! πŸ˜€ I AM SO FREAKING READY!!!!! I am hoping to be down another 8 lbs by then just for the heck of it! Well and to look even better in the dress I plan on wearing! πŸ˜‰

Oh and I have decided my reward to myself for weight loss will be lingerie……. I know surprise, surprise.lol I’m serious though, I have my eyes on some really pretty sets that will be my non food reward and in my mind it a heck of a good one! πŸ™‚ I love lingerie. Even though no one sees it it still makes me feel a little sexier. Besides I will have to do a little clothes shopping anyways.lol (Darn weight loss = shopping) πŸ˜€ I must say there is no better feeling than slipping into a smaller size when you go shopping!

Does anyone else plan rewards for themselves???

Thinking skinny…

Hello lovelies! I hope everyone’s week has been going great. Mine has been a roller coaster. First off I have had kinda a rough week as far as feeling awful. I had a Dr.s appointment Tuesday, took off from work early and when I got there there was a sign on the door saying they had closed early on account of technical difficulties…….. 😦 Anyways I am trying to find a Dr. in the same town I live and work in so hopefully I can start getting some answers as to what going on. The good part??? Down another pound and honestly I haven’t been working at it as hard as I wish I could say I was….. :/

It’s hard to worry a whole lot about much of anything when I’m hurting so bad it makes me nauseous. I haven’t been able to stomach much heavy food so I have been eating some Β healthy carbs. Basically I have been eating whatever sounds good, just not much of it. I happened across a video the other day that was talking about changing the way you think about food. It suggested that in order to lose weight we had to think in a way a thin person within us would. That means no king sized anything for me!!! I’d rather be fun sized thank you! LOL πŸ˜‰

Honestly between trying to change my thinking to thinking small/thin/petite and feeling bad it has been pretty easy to control my eating. The scale has dropped another pound this morning and I haven’t been deprived of anything I’ve wanted. If I wanted it I had about 3 bites and called it good. I’ve even been having my coffee with cream!! SO GOOD!!!! Talk about a pleasure! I am actually having strawberries and cream right now as I write this for supper. I am going to try to consciously change my mindset though. I don’t want to have to diet and deprive myself all my life and I think by changing my mindset I will be able to find a way to be at my perfect weight and be happy(and able to eat with my family,lol). πŸ™‚ I think its a good tool on my way to my true petite beautiful self. πŸ™‚

Working on my diet..

Yep… I am trying to once and for all get my diet in order. Today has been pretty good. I even gave away a cookie a coworker’s little girl gave me.lol (not gonna fib….it looked so good!) Anyways I am trying to follow low carb/dukan diet. (I have had a little bit of cheese today to take meds with.) I can’t exercise to the extreme to lose weight so I will have to take care of it with my diet. I know if nothing else having the extra weight off will be that much easier on my joints.

I finally broke down and got a microwave yesterday. I know, I know, it’s not supposed to be the best way to cook food. I’ve read all about it but the truth of the matter is it has been so……..much easier to eat real food today. I made eggs for breakfast and I am now eating chicken breast I heated. Don’t get me wrong. I know how to cook, I have been cooking for years. Heck I used to make everything from scratch, even grinding my own flour but I don’t have the energy to do it now. It’s all I can do to get one project done in the evenings when I get in and with only cooking for one during the week it is so awesome to just use the microwave. The bloat from all the dry cereal and yogurt is also disappearing already. I am looking forward to seeing the changes over the next few weeks and I intend to post a before and after at some point.

For now I am just keeping on keeping on, one foot in front of the other. I have hurt a good bit today and I woke up last night in pain but it could be worse. Β I hope everyone has a great evening and if there is anyone who happens to read this that is also doing low carb/dukan please let me know! πŸ™‚

Bulletproof…

If anyone read my previous post you have an idea of some of the things I am dealing with physically. Well while I was laying awake last night I decided to start trying different things and documenting how they make me feel. I have been trying to lose weight before my fiance’s graduation from the police academy which is April first(yikes! less than a month now! ) and I have cut my calories because of my efforts. Mind you it has been very easy to cut my calories because I hurt so bad it made me nauseous, but since going to the dr. Tuesday and getting something which has helped tremendously I have still continued on low cal.

But I have a problem…… I can’t sleep. 😦 I am not sure if it is because of the medicine or because I haven’t been eating much. Before I couldn’t sleep because of the pain. I have noticed that when I would splurge and have like two slices of pizza after not really eating all day that I slept all night. So perhaps its my body saying it is hungry????? But I still want to lose weight!

I do have to admit here that even though my calories have been very low…I haven’t lost much weight. So……..I am going to do an experiment. I am going to switch out my usual “hot chocolate” coffee or yogurt breakfast for bulletproof coffee. I have had more calories already this morning than I would have for most of the day but I’m not gonna think on that too much……. :/ I am also going to take a coffee with me to work in a paper cup so I can heat it for lunch. I don’t usually take a lunch, other than perhaps a protein shake of fruit, so we will see how this works. LOL Overall I am hoping to function a little better, have more energy, SLEEP tonight and in the long run if I feel like I can continue with it lose some more weight. Its an experiment. πŸ˜‰ I will say that this morning I am already a lot steadier and it seems it is clearing my lungs out. I’m also not a bit hungry, though haven’t really had that problem anyways in the mornings.lol But still even my stomach isn’t growling.lol This will be interesting anyways.

TO BE CONTINUED………………………………. πŸ˜‰

Surviving…..

Hello lovelies! I must apologize for not having written in quite a while. There has been so much happen in my life over the past year. One of the biggest struggles I have had, has been living in my own body. Now don’t get me wrong. I love my body and I am learning to love it more and more daily as I am shaping it into the body of my dreams slowly yet surely. No the struggle has been dealing with the pain my own body subjects me to. The worst part is I don’t know why. I am trying to get to the bottom of it as this is something that has gotten worse over the years to the point I can’t stand it anymore.

It’s hard to go from being extremely active, as in breaking and training horses and working out from 1-4 hours a day at the gym to barely being able to lift my arms. Some days it is a battle just to get my makeup on( I usually win even though it may take me a little longer than usual.lol). I am so tired and fatigued it is embarrassing to me. I despise feeling weak, I have always been the independent girl that unloads 2 ton of horse feed by herself just because someone said she was a helpless female!lol πŸ˜› Β Yet I am no longer that girl. I now struggle to carry one bag of feed more than a little ways and honestly it hurts my pride.

I try to conceal the amount of effort it takes for me to do things and often times I am capable of doing so yet I can’t always hide the pain. I have spent many evenings writhing in pain and many nights lying awake as I can’t escape it. It is as though someone took knives and randomly stabs my body….It almost feels as though my body is torturing itself. My muscles ache and spasm, my joints hurt, I have headaches several times a week, sometimes even my skin hurts. 😦

It has been hard in many different ways, but it has taught me humility and to allow others to help me particularly my fiance. I love that man more than life itself and he never ceases to amaze me at his concern and love. I am so proud of him and thankful to have him in my life. He is currently going through the police academy so its really hard being home alone all week but I’m making it. He makes me all the more determined to figure out what is going on and hopefully figure out how to fix it. He is also my reason to get up everyday and put my makeup on and press onward.

Anyways I am hoping to document my journey as I 1) try to heal my body, 2) shape my body into my dream body, aka lose some more weight, 3) grow my hair long, 4) become the best wife and lover possible. πŸ˜‰