Tag Archive | healing

A Fighter!

I know I haven’t posted in a little while, there has been a LOT going on lately. For a catch up moment….. My man has officially graduated the police academy and is back home. Β (I have decided that being a police wife is gonna be harder than I even expected. πŸ˜› ) Finally was able to get with a good Dr. that is actually trying to help me get things figured out. Yay!

I think one of the biggest (and best) is the fact I am getting my fighting spirit back. I’m not saying its entirely pretty.lol I can be hard to handle at times as I am a lil stubborn(ok more like the level of a mule, but thats beside the point.lol). I am trying my best to make myself well and to get back to the real me. I love to work horses and to work out. I think part of the problem honestly is just learning how to handle everything, I have let things get to me and overwhelm me, and frankly I’m sick of it.I have also not taken any time for myself. I have kept putting off things I want or need to do just to take care of everyone else and the result is I have felt depressed and begun to resent things…..not a good combination. :/

Time for change!! I am determined to take back my life. I am gonna learn to take time for me and still be able to help others as well, I am gonna get back in shape and work with my horses, I am GONNA get off the medicine which i think contributes to some problems. The fighting side of me is coming back and this time…..its here to stay!! πŸ˜‰

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The normal me….lol

Well you know its bad when your coworkers that you are with 5-6 days a week all day ask you what you put in your coffee. LOL Yesterday was a pretty good day. The best I have had in months actually. I still hurt but it was to the point I could ignore it for the most part. Anyways I was my “normal” giggly, mischievous, quick witted self yesterday and everyone wanted to know what was going on.lol In a way it kinda makes me sad to think that after all this time that was the first time my coworkers saw the real me. I just hope and pray it lasts for a while. It was so……nice to have a day without a headache and major pain or digestive problems! Today seems to be another pretty good day (knock on wood.lol).

One thing I did yesterday that probably had something to do with how good I felt was I skipped breakfast and didn’t eat until 11:30. I feel like I had a lot more energy (the fact that I had coffee probably helped, but it was only a fraction of what I used to drink.lol). This morning I had some left over quinoa and I have to say I wish I hadn’t. I was going to take some with some salad for lunch but I don’t think I can even handle the idea at the moment. It kinda made me feel nauseous for some reason. :/ I am really trying to learn what my body does and doesn’t want and listen to it. I can be thankful that I am learning to for once listen to my body.

Thinking skinny…

Hello lovelies! I hope everyone’s week has been going great. Mine has been a roller coaster. First off I have had kinda a rough week as far as feeling awful. I had a Dr.s appointment Tuesday, took off from work early and when I got there there was a sign on the door saying they had closed early on account of technical difficulties…….. 😦 Anyways I am trying to find a Dr. in the same town I live and work in so hopefully I can start getting some answers as to what going on. The good part??? Down another pound and honestly I haven’t been working at it as hard as I wish I could say I was….. :/

It’s hard to worry a whole lot about much of anything when I’m hurting so bad it makes me nauseous. I haven’t been able to stomach much heavy food so I have been eating some Β healthy carbs. Basically I have been eating whatever sounds good, just not much of it. I happened across a video the other day that was talking about changing the way you think about food. It suggested that in order to lose weight we had to think in a way a thin person within us would. That means no king sized anything for me!!! I’d rather be fun sized thank you! LOL πŸ˜‰

Honestly between trying to change my thinking to thinking small/thin/petite and feeling bad it has been pretty easy to control my eating. The scale has dropped another pound this morning and I haven’t been deprived of anything I’ve wanted. If I wanted it I had about 3 bites and called it good. I’ve even been having my coffee with cream!! SO GOOD!!!! Talk about a pleasure! I am actually having strawberries and cream right now as I write this for supper. I am going to try to consciously change my mindset though. I don’t want to have to diet and deprive myself all my life and I think by changing my mindset I will be able to find a way to be at my perfect weight and be happy(and able to eat with my family,lol). πŸ™‚ I think its a good tool on my way to my true petite beautiful self. πŸ™‚

Hello food…

Welp. Its official…..I’ve eaten more calories in the last two days then probably 4-5 beforehand. I had two scrambled eggs and a pinch of cheese for breakfast, 1/2 lb of grilled chicken for lunch, total of two cheese sticks throughout the day to take meds with, 1/2 lb grilled chicken for dinner with a little mozzarella sprinkled on it(oh so good!), and I made some chocolate “cheesecake” pudding (stevia, cocoa powder, cream cheese and a little whipping cream) for dessert and to satisfy my want for something sweet. So yeah. My day was probably around 2000 calories opposed to 400-500. However, I have lost some of my bloat and water weight already. My stomach is flattening back out. I am trying not to think too much about calories because I can get very obsessive over them and I am trying to develop a healthier relationship with food.

I think, actually I know my appetite will begin to fad some more as I get totally weaned off of sugar but for now, if I’m hungry I eat(just like a normal person!lol) πŸ˜‰ It has been a pretty big jump considering I was living off a fat free greek yogurt for breakfast, dry cereal for snack (1/2-1 cup only),maybe an apple for lunch, and possibly something a little more substantial for supper. I feel like the way I have ate the last two days is a healthier way to live. Honestly, it has given me back a craving for savory foods. I WANT to look at recipes and cook some yummy low carb foods. I want to try to cook healthier for my man as well(may have to sneak that in day by day.lol).

I do feel like I am on the right road. I still hurt but at least I feel like I am making progress towards my dream body anyways. My hair is growing like crazy, getting thinner, now if I could just figure out how to manage the pain and fatigue I’d be golden! πŸ™‚

Working on my diet..

Yep… I am trying to once and for all get my diet in order. Today has been pretty good. I even gave away a cookie a coworker’s little girl gave me.lol (not gonna fib….it looked so good!) Anyways I am trying to follow low carb/dukan diet. (I have had a little bit of cheese today to take meds with.) I can’t exercise to the extreme to lose weight so I will have to take care of it with my diet. I know if nothing else having the extra weight off will be that much easier on my joints.

I finally broke down and got a microwave yesterday. I know, I know, it’s not supposed to be the best way to cook food. I’ve read all about it but the truth of the matter is it has been so……..much easier to eat real food today. I made eggs for breakfast and I am now eating chicken breast I heated. Don’t get me wrong. I know how to cook, I have been cooking for years. Heck I used to make everything from scratch, even grinding my own flour but I don’t have the energy to do it now. It’s all I can do to get one project done in the evenings when I get in and with only cooking for one during the week it is so awesome to just use the microwave. The bloat from all the dry cereal and yogurt is also disappearing already. I am looking forward to seeing the changes over the next few weeks and I intend to post a before and after at some point.

For now I am just keeping on keeping on, one foot in front of the other. I have hurt a good bit today and I woke up last night in pain but it could be worse. Β I hope everyone has a great evening and if there is anyone who happens to read this that is also doing low carb/dukan please let me know! πŸ™‚

Maybe I’m not crazy after all…

I mean it. I sometime think I’m crazy for feeling the way I do. I don’t know how many times I have heard “your young you shouldn’t be tired,” You shouldn’t be hurting all the time,” that’s weird,” and so on… Yeah I know! It’s not like I want to hurt, be exhausted all the time, and have a hard time sleeping, it’s just my reality. My reality now is I hurt and it’s almost unbearable at times. It’s so frustration when I feel as though I’m not taken seriously. My labs are normal, great but that still doesn’t tell me anything. It isn’t like this is a relatively new thing. It is something I have dealt with for years, it has just gotten much worse.

I may have a bit of a lead anyways. My sister in law is a dr. physical therapist to be exact and she suggested it may be fibromyalgia… I looked into it and for once I read something that described exactly how I feel. I am planning on discussing the possibility with my dr next week, but it is hope that there might not be so crazy as I am beginning to believe. Now I don’t like the idea of having it one bit, I actually intend to do everything I can to help heal my body as much as possible. I don’t really know what to think at this point because it scares me a bit. The unknown scares me, I know there is something wrong it is just a battle making the drs see it. Unfortunately my man has witnessed it more than I would like. He has seen me near paralyzed in pain and crying. He is the reason I want to desperately to figure out what is going on. I promised him I would work on finding out. I love that man so very much! There have been times when I wanted to escape my own body so badly I have considered ending it all, but he is my reason to fight. I could never in a million years hurt him. I will continue to fight because he has given me a reason. I am so glad I have him as my rock.

The Struggle is Real

I am SO…………sick of this!!! Let me just clarify. I have never been someone to sit around, lazy or weak person. I grew up on a ranch were I busted my butt day in and day out and never had the opportunity to be bored let alone lazy. I was always the hyperactive one outside doing something and playing all the time. In college I broke and trained horses in order to pay for my gas to and from school, etc. I also would get up at 4:30 to be at school at the fitness center when it opened at 6 so I could work out before my 8 am class, which was followed by two pretty intense workout classes and the more academics. When I got home I would work horses feed and then proceed to the basement to my workout equipment to work out again. Now??? I can’t hardly make supper without getting totally exhausted!

I’m so very tired of all this. I am not the same person I used to be… I used to never be anxious or get depressed. I am goofy at heart and adore laughing but I have a hard time even smiling now. 😦 I am ashamed. I hate feeling weak and that is exactly what I am at this moment…

I’m so tired all the time now and the pain never totally goes away. If it wasn’t for ibuprofen, migraine med and aspirin, I don’t know how I would get through work. I just want to figure out what the heck is wrong with me and hopefully figure out a way to fix it!!! I am suppose to be able to take care of my man and the household and its all I can manage to do. I feel like he takes care of me more now than I him. Heck he almost had to carry me to bed last night after a particularly bad spell left me totally exhausted. ( I am just way to hard headed to let him help me that much! Though I will admit he helped me get there.) I want to be normal, healthy……I would just like some answers….

This seems to be a tougher journey than I thought it would be when I initially began this blog. I don’t know where it might lead but I suppose we shall just have to see.