Tag Archive | house wife

Feeling Sexy???

OK now I know, I know……. everyone is supposed to love their body and feel sexy in their own skin. Do I ? Yes and no. I do love my body even though at times I feel as though it is torturing me, even still it is mine. I can’t say that I always feel sexy just because I am not where I want to be….yet. My mission is to become the woman I KNOW I am capable of being. I no longer chase ideals of what other people think I should look like, I am chase what ME, MYSELF, and I think I should look like. All my life I have listened to the voices of other people telling me how I looked and what I could or couldn’t look like. I’m done. The only people I seek to please are myself and my man. Both of which are closely tied together.

Perhaps I am old fashioned or not of my time but I don’t want the whole run way thin bones look. Perhaps it was because I grew up watching Baywatch and such that I love the way women’s bodies looked then slender yet still feminine and sexy! Now don’t get me wrong my ideals are just that mine. I’m not saying that someone who is larger and very curvy isn’t sexy. I have seen many very beautiful women who where called plus sized models and they are indeed much sexier than bones. But for me I need to slim down some more to feel my sexiest.

I began a journey a few years ago from being a farm girl who didn’t care what I looked like to someone who has begun to take pride in how I look. I feel as though I am a caterpillar slowly changing and eventually will become a butterfly. That is now my mission. to become that butterfly and make my man proud(don’t get me wrong, he already thinks I am perfect). Self improvement never hurt though. 😉

Feel like I’m fighting a losing battle.

I don’t mean to sound like a complainer or that I’m weak. I have always been a happy go lucky person. I have always tried my best to never be seen as anything but tough and independent. I have always strove to not have to depend on help from others but things aren’t exactly working out as I planned. It kills me. I hate feeling weak and that I need help but I do. I hate feeling miserable day in and day out. Its as if I can’t even escape my own body. I feel as though I am letting my man down. Its hard to be the woman I want to be for him when I’m hurting and so exhausted I can barely make myself get up and just cooking a meal is a battle.

If I am completely bare boned honest its so hard not to feel depressed. I mean everything that used to define me no longer applies. True dreams change…mine for the better in my mind. I have the man of my dreams quite literally, we are starting our lives together, I have a good job that thankfully is conducive to everything going on at the moment, and I have an extended family that I adore. I have so much to be thankful for yet it is so hard to remember the good when I’m in agony. In a way I have seen a side of my man that I am probably the only one to witness, the gentle nurturing side, and I count my blessings every day for him because he is my reason not to give up and throw in the towel. There have been times I feel as though he fights for both of us. He is my hero because when I’m not strong enough to fight on my own he picks me up and helps me make it through another battle.

One  of the things I hate so much about myself is that its so hard to be me. Its hard to smile and laugh and have a good time when you are sick and miserable. I have to admit it is so hard not to get depressed right now…

Surviving…..

Hello lovelies! I must apologize for not having written in quite a while. There has been so much happen in my life over the past year. One of the biggest struggles I have had, has been living in my own body. Now don’t get me wrong. I love my body and I am learning to love it more and more daily as I am shaping it into the body of my dreams slowly yet surely. No the struggle has been dealing with the pain my own body subjects me to. The worst part is I don’t know why. I am trying to get to the bottom of it as this is something that has gotten worse over the years to the point I can’t stand it anymore.

It’s hard to go from being extremely active, as in breaking and training horses and working out from 1-4 hours a day at the gym to barely being able to lift my arms. Some days it is a battle just to get my makeup on( I usually win even though it may take me a little longer than usual.lol). I am so tired and fatigued it is embarrassing to me. I despise feeling weak, I have always been the independent girl that unloads 2 ton of horse feed by herself just because someone said she was a helpless female!lol 😛  Yet I am no longer that girl. I now struggle to carry one bag of feed more than a little ways and honestly it hurts my pride.

I try to conceal the amount of effort it takes for me to do things and often times I am capable of doing so yet I can’t always hide the pain. I have spent many evenings writhing in pain and many nights lying awake as I can’t escape it. It is as though someone took knives and randomly stabs my body….It almost feels as though my body is torturing itself. My muscles ache and spasm, my joints hurt, I have headaches several times a week, sometimes even my skin hurts. 😦

It has been hard in many different ways, but it has taught me humility and to allow others to help me particularly my fiance. I love that man more than life itself and he never ceases to amaze me at his concern and love. I am so proud of him and thankful to have him in my life. He is currently going through the police academy so its really hard being home alone all week but I’m making it. He makes me all the more determined to figure out what is going on and hopefully figure out how to fix it. He is also my reason to get up everyday and put my makeup on and press onward.

Anyways I am hoping to document my journey as I 1) try to heal my body, 2) shape my body into my dream body, aka lose some more weight, 3) grow my hair long, 4) become the best wife and lover possible. 😉

The Path to Self-Love

selfloveSelf-love. It’s something we hear thrown around a lot these days. We are constantly being told to love ourselves unconditionally not matter what. We are told not be critical of ourselves in any way. Well in theory its a wonderful concept. However, it is not possible to simply flip a switch and automatically begin loving yourself. In reality you may look in the mirror and verbally say to your reflection that you love yourself but if your inner beliefs don’t align with what you say you are essentially lying to yourself………….

Love is something that has to develop over a period of time. It’s not something that all of a sudden you decide. ” you know what from this day on I love myself just the way I am.” It’s not possible…….However, what is possible is to begin building a foundation of love. ❤  We can pick out aspects of ourselves we do love. Perhaps we love our eyes, nose, lips, hair, height, etc. If we search there is always some aspect about ourselves we are proud of and that is what we build our foundation of love upon. The next step is to acknowledge and accept the things we do not like about ourselves. We may not may not particularly like some aspects of ourselves but by acknowledging them we open a doorway for change. In a way it gives us power, the power to transform and change.

One of the interesting discoveries from the 1950’s I’ve made was the fact that it was common to critic one’s own body. Being overweight was not seen as socially acceptable and people were often known to “watch their figure.” I’m not saying by any means shaming is a good thing ( though one could argue we are shamed for not accepting ourselves too) but I do believe that self-awareness is… There are so many health risks associated with being overweight, yet we still receive mixed signals……… On one side we have the push to love ourselves just the way we are, on the other we have constant advertisements for the newest weight loss miracle….. 😛

A good example…..Walmart leading up to Christmas. You walk in the doors and the first things you see are all kinds of treats for Christmas, candy, cookies, etc. the day after Christmas……. its scales, meal replacements, and weight loss stuff…. I literally laughed when I saw it. LOL

The key element I believe a lot of people miss is that by SHOWING yourself love you can not only begin to change you body and health for the better, you will also begin to truly LOVE yourself. The solution, simply spending time everyday on yourself…….YES YOU!!!!!!! Before anyone starts jumping the gun and saying “oh I don’t have time for me,” you have to make time. There are a lot of excuses we could use to justify ourselves, I know because I have used plenty.  School, career, children, husband must come first…….etc. While it is good to want to put others first, it is important not to let yourself suffer because of it. Think about it……… if you spend just a little bit of time on you everyday you will begin to feel better and gain confidence in yourself, which will inevitably spill over into other areas in your life. It is not selfish or even a form of self-hate to have a personal ideal and wish to work towards what you perceive is your best possible self. In reality your saying “I love myself enough to want to take care of me.” I personally know what it’s like to struggle with loving yourself. I come from a past of disordered eating and self punishment. Yet I am learning to love myself and the new found confidence I am gaining has indeed helped other areas of my life. By learning to do things because we want to show love to ourselves our whole mentality changes. Life is indeed much more pleasurable when associated with love.  I would love to hear of any personal stories on your journeys towards self-love…. What is your opinions? Tips? Things you do to show yourself love? 🙂

My Secret…

secretI have a secret……… I secretly wish I lived in an earlier time period…. You know? Where being a house wife was not looked down upon and wanting to please your man was not looked upon as a weakness. I am so tired of the modern perception of what is expected of me as a woman! Society says I must have a college degree. Done. Society says I need to be independent and have a successful career. Ok, now I have some issues. What exactly determines success? I am indeed independent. I have grown up without much choice in the matter (perhaps a story for a later date). As far as a career? Well now THAT is a problem. You see ever since I was little I have wanted to have a family and be a mom, and I am the only one in my family with that kinda mindset. LOL Being a wife and later a mom is the one dream of mine which has NEVER changed. Don’t get me wrong there are other things I hope to achieve along the lines of a “real job/career” but in my opinion there is NO job more important than the one within the home!

Perhaps I am a little weird. I mean I am sitting and writing a blog post on wanting to be a good housewife while wearing a corset. LOL (again…..story for another time.lol) 😉 I have always found earlier time periods so fascinating. I mean women were so different than they are today in my opinion. They took pride not only in their abilities to maintain their home and family lives and found time for charitable work, they also took pride in THEMSELVES!

Personally I feel as though it is my job to make my man happy. I really truly want to WORK at being the woman of his dreams. I know he loves me as I am and thinks I hang the moon……but I know I can be oh so much better! You see I had more or less given up on my dream of being a wife. I honestly had gotten caught up in the whole “I don’t need a man” way of thinking, and you know what? I also gave up on myself… I got to the point I didn’t really care about me. I mean why should I spend a ton of time on myself when no one was ever around to appreciate it? It may seem silly I suppose but since being reunited with the ONLY man I have EVER loved (you got it….another story.LOL Lets just say I have had a crush on him since I was about 13.) my whole mindset has changed now.

Being with him has reignited my desire to be the best version of me. I have always loved everything womanly. I mean seriously what is wrong with wanting to enhance my womanly characteristics??? I have several female role models that I adore for their class, feminism and lets face it just plain seductive ways. In my opinion Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly and in general all the actresses had a seductiveness which is rare now days. In my opinion one of my favorite current model would have to be Dita Von Teese .dita-fall1

I may have indeed grown up as a “tom boy,” it just kinda happens when you grow up on a ranch. LOL Yet I LOVE all things feminine. I love feeling like a woman wearing dresses, lingerie, and bubble baths. I have studied many aspects of being an elegant lady for years. Now I truly have the best reason in the world to implement the things I have learned! ❤ ❤ ❤

Now I WANT to be better….in so many ways. I am setting out on a journey. A journey of discovery, healing, weight loss/ physical transformation, and learning how to truly be the best version of a woman I can be. I know it will be a long journey but I truly believe it will be the most rewarding and memorable journey I could ever make. I want to invite everyone to join me. You never can tell what kind of adventure this chick can get into! 😉