Tag Archive | pain

A Fighter!

I know I haven’t posted in a little while, there has been a LOT going on lately. For a catch up moment….. My man has officially graduated the police academy and is back home. Β (I have decided that being a police wife is gonna be harder than I even expected. πŸ˜› ) Finally was able to get with a good Dr. that is actually trying to help me get things figured out. Yay!

I think one of the biggest (and best) is the fact I am getting my fighting spirit back. I’m not saying its entirely pretty.lol I can be hard to handle at times as I am a lil stubborn(ok more like the level of a mule, but thats beside the point.lol). I am trying my best to make myself well and to get back to the real me. I love to work horses and to work out. I think part of the problem honestly is just learning how to handle everything, I have let things get to me and overwhelm me, and frankly I’m sick of it.I have also not taken any time for myself. I have kept putting off things I want or need to do just to take care of everyone else and the result is I have felt depressed and begun to resent things…..not a good combination. :/

Time for change!! I am determined to take back my life. I am gonna learn to take time for me and still be able to help others as well, I am gonna get back in shape and work with my horses, I am GONNA get off the medicine which i think contributes to some problems. The fighting side of me is coming back and this time…..its here to stay!! πŸ˜‰

The normal me….lol

Well you know its bad when your coworkers that you are with 5-6 days a week all day ask you what you put in your coffee. LOL Yesterday was a pretty good day. The best I have had in months actually. I still hurt but it was to the point I could ignore it for the most part. Anyways I was my “normal” giggly, mischievous, quick witted self yesterday and everyone wanted to know what was going on.lol In a way it kinda makes me sad to think that after all this time that was the first time my coworkers saw the real me. I just hope and pray it lasts for a while. It was so……nice to have a day without a headache and major pain or digestive problems! Today seems to be another pretty good day (knock on wood.lol).

One thing I did yesterday that probably had something to do with how good I felt was I skipped breakfast and didn’t eat until 11:30. I feel like I had a lot more energy (the fact that I had coffee probably helped, but it was only a fraction of what I used to drink.lol). This morning I had some left over quinoa and I have to say I wish I hadn’t. I was going to take some with some salad for lunch but I don’t think I can even handle the idea at the moment. It kinda made me feel nauseous for some reason. :/ I am really trying to learn what my body does and doesn’t want and listen to it. I can be thankful that I am learning to for once listen to my body.

Feel like I’m fighting a losing battle.

I don’t mean to sound like a complainer or that I’m weak. I have always been a happy go lucky person. I have always tried my best to never be seen as anything but tough and independent. I have always strove to not have to depend on help from others but things aren’t exactly working out as I planned. It kills me. I hate feeling weak and that I need help but I do. I hate feeling miserable day in and day out. Its as if I can’t even escape my own body. I feel as though I am letting my man down. Its hard to be the woman I want to be for him when I’m hurting and so exhausted I can barely make myself get up and just cooking a meal is a battle.

If I am completely bare boned honest its so hard not to feel depressed. I mean everything that used to define me no longer applies. True dreams change…mine for the better in my mind. I have the man of my dreams quite literally, we are starting our lives together, I have a good job that thankfully is conducive to everything going on at the moment, and I have an extended family that I adore. I have so much to be thankful for yet it is so hard to remember the good when I’m in agony. In a way I have seen a side of my man that I am probably the only one to witness, the gentle nurturing side, and I count my blessings every day for him because he is my reason not to give up and throw in the towel. There have been times I feel as though he fights for both of us. He is my hero because when I’m not strong enough to fight on my own he picks me up and helps me make it through another battle.

One Β of the things I hate so much about myself is that its so hard to be me. Its hard to smile and laugh and have a good time when you are sick and miserable. I have to admit it is so hard not to get depressed right now…

The weight is falling off!! :)

WOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Down another 4 lbs! I LOVE it!!! Best part is I have still been eating whatever I wanted! Granted I haven’t wanted a whole lot the last few day because of my stomach being so torn up from all the meds but still! I think I am really on to something to with having kid sized portions. I had a order of kids beef nachos from the mexican restaurant last night and still couldn’t finish them. If nothing else the fact that I am beginning to reach my weight loss goals is satisfying. I do hope to hear the first of this next week to see if I’ve been accepted by a new Dr. and hopefully I can start getting thing straightened out in that area as well.

Anyways only two more weeks left till my man’s graduation!!!! πŸ˜€ I AM SO FREAKING READY!!!!! I am hoping to be down another 8 lbs by then just for the heck of it! Well and to look even better in the dress I plan on wearing! πŸ˜‰

Oh and I have decided my reward to myself for weight loss will be lingerie……. I know surprise, surprise.lol I’m serious though, I have my eyes on some really pretty sets that will be my non food reward and in my mind it a heck of a good one! πŸ™‚ I love lingerie. Even though no one sees it it still makes me feel a little sexier. Besides I will have to do a little clothes shopping anyways.lol (Darn weight loss = shopping) πŸ˜€ I must say there is no better feeling than slipping into a smaller size when you go shopping!

Does anyone else plan rewards for themselves???

Thinking skinny…

Hello lovelies! I hope everyone’s week has been going great. Mine has been a roller coaster. First off I have had kinda a rough week as far as feeling awful. I had a Dr.s appointment Tuesday, took off from work early and when I got there there was a sign on the door saying they had closed early on account of technical difficulties…….. 😦 Anyways I am trying to find a Dr. in the same town I live and work in so hopefully I can start getting some answers as to what going on. The good part??? Down another pound and honestly I haven’t been working at it as hard as I wish I could say I was….. :/

It’s hard to worry a whole lot about much of anything when I’m hurting so bad it makes me nauseous. I haven’t been able to stomach much heavy food so I have been eating some Β healthy carbs. Basically I have been eating whatever sounds good, just not much of it. I happened across a video the other day that was talking about changing the way you think about food. It suggested that in order to lose weight we had to think in a way a thin person within us would. That means no king sized anything for me!!! I’d rather be fun sized thank you! LOL πŸ˜‰

Honestly between trying to change my thinking to thinking small/thin/petite and feeling bad it has been pretty easy to control my eating. The scale has dropped another pound this morning and I haven’t been deprived of anything I’ve wanted. If I wanted it I had about 3 bites and called it good. I’ve even been having my coffee with cream!! SO GOOD!!!! Talk about a pleasure! I am actually having strawberries and cream right now as I write this for supper. I am going to try to consciously change my mindset though. I don’t want to have to diet and deprive myself all my life and I think by changing my mindset I will be able to find a way to be at my perfect weight and be happy(and able to eat with my family,lol). πŸ™‚ I think its a good tool on my way to my true petite beautiful self. πŸ™‚

The Challenge is ON!!!

Three weeks to see how much I am capable of changing my body! Yes it is going to be extra challenging because of the issues I have everyday anyways (I go back to the dr this week as well so hopefully we can get some figured out.) but I am bound and determined to see how much I can transform my body in three weeks. I say three weeks because in three weeks I will be attending my man’s graduation from the police academy and I want to look my best.

I intend to have a good workout every day of the week, preferably before work, and to eat extremely clean and low carb. Saturday will be my rest day since that will be the one day he will be home all day with me. I’m not sure how much I can make the scale go down with training hard but at least I can shape my body a little more. I am a natural hourglass so losing weight makes my body more dramatic hourglass which is perfectly fine with me and most definitely fine with my man! πŸ˜‰

I am going to take a before picture and some measurements in the morning before my workout and I will take and after when the 3 weeks are up. I would LOVE to have anyone who wants to do the challenge with me! The more the merrier! Plus it would be great to share tips and motivation! πŸ™‚

Hello food…

Welp. Its official…..I’ve eaten more calories in the last two days then probably 4-5 beforehand. I had two scrambled eggs and a pinch of cheese for breakfast, 1/2 lb of grilled chicken for lunch, total of two cheese sticks throughout the day to take meds with, 1/2 lb grilled chicken for dinner with a little mozzarella sprinkled on it(oh so good!), and I made some chocolate “cheesecake” pudding (stevia, cocoa powder, cream cheese and a little whipping cream) for dessert and to satisfy my want for something sweet. So yeah. My day was probably around 2000 calories opposed to 400-500. However, I have lost some of my bloat and water weight already. My stomach is flattening back out. I am trying not to think too much about calories because I can get very obsessive over them and I am trying to develop a healthier relationship with food.

I think, actually I know my appetite will begin to fad some more as I get totally weaned off of sugar but for now, if I’m hungry I eat(just like a normal person!lol) πŸ˜‰ It has been a pretty big jump considering I was living off a fat free greek yogurt for breakfast, dry cereal for snack (1/2-1 cup only),maybe an apple for lunch, and possibly something a little more substantial for supper. I feel like the way I have ate the last two days is a healthier way to live. Honestly, it has given me back a craving for savory foods. I WANT to look at recipes and cook some yummy low carb foods. I want to try to cook healthier for my man as well(may have to sneak that in day by day.lol).

I do feel like I am on the right road. I still hurt but at least I feel like I am making progress towards my dream body anyways. My hair is growing like crazy, getting thinner, now if I could just figure out how to manage the pain and fatigue I’d be golden! πŸ™‚