Tag Archive | self-love

A Fighter!

I know I haven’t posted in a little while, there has been a LOT going on lately. For a catch up moment….. My man has officially graduated the police academy and is back home.  (I have decided that being a police wife is gonna be harder than I even expected. 😛 ) Finally was able to get with a good Dr. that is actually trying to help me get things figured out. Yay!

I think one of the biggest (and best) is the fact I am getting my fighting spirit back. I’m not saying its entirely pretty.lol I can be hard to handle at times as I am a lil stubborn(ok more like the level of a mule, but thats beside the point.lol). I am trying my best to make myself well and to get back to the real me. I love to work horses and to work out. I think part of the problem honestly is just learning how to handle everything, I have let things get to me and overwhelm me, and frankly I’m sick of it.I have also not taken any time for myself. I have kept putting off things I want or need to do just to take care of everyone else and the result is I have felt depressed and begun to resent things…..not a good combination. :/

Time for change!! I am determined to take back my life. I am gonna learn to take time for me and still be able to help others as well, I am gonna get back in shape and work with my horses, I am GONNA get off the medicine which i think contributes to some problems. The fighting side of me is coming back and this time…..its here to stay!! 😉


The normal me….lol

Well you know its bad when your coworkers that you are with 5-6 days a week all day ask you what you put in your coffee. LOL Yesterday was a pretty good day. The best I have had in months actually. I still hurt but it was to the point I could ignore it for the most part. Anyways I was my “normal” giggly, mischievous, quick witted self yesterday and everyone wanted to know what was going on.lol In a way it kinda makes me sad to think that after all this time that was the first time my coworkers saw the real me. I just hope and pray it lasts for a while. It was so……nice to have a day without a headache and major pain or digestive problems! Today seems to be another pretty good day (knock on wood.lol).

One thing I did yesterday that probably had something to do with how good I felt was I skipped breakfast and didn’t eat until 11:30. I feel like I had a lot more energy (the fact that I had coffee probably helped, but it was only a fraction of what I used to drink.lol). This morning I had some left over quinoa and I have to say I wish I hadn’t. I was going to take some with some salad for lunch but I don’t think I can even handle the idea at the moment. It kinda made me feel nauseous for some reason. :/ I am really trying to learn what my body does and doesn’t want and listen to it. I can be thankful that I am learning to for once listen to my body.

The weight is falling off!! :)

WOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Down another 4 lbs! I LOVE it!!! Best part is I have still been eating whatever I wanted! Granted I haven’t wanted a whole lot the last few day because of my stomach being so torn up from all the meds but still! I think I am really on to something to with having kid sized portions. I had a order of kids beef nachos from the mexican restaurant last night and still couldn’t finish them. If nothing else the fact that I am beginning to reach my weight loss goals is satisfying. I do hope to hear the first of this next week to see if I’ve been accepted by a new Dr. and hopefully I can start getting thing straightened out in that area as well.

Anyways only two more weeks left till my man’s graduation!!!! 😀 I AM SO FREAKING READY!!!!! I am hoping to be down another 8 lbs by then just for the heck of it! Well and to look even better in the dress I plan on wearing! 😉

Oh and I have decided my reward to myself for weight loss will be lingerie……. I know surprise, surprise.lol I’m serious though, I have my eyes on some really pretty sets that will be my non food reward and in my mind it a heck of a good one! 🙂 I love lingerie. Even though no one sees it it still makes me feel a little sexier. Besides I will have to do a little clothes shopping anyways.lol (Darn weight loss = shopping) 😀 I must say there is no better feeling than slipping into a smaller size when you go shopping!

Does anyone else plan rewards for themselves???

The Challenge is ON!!!

Three weeks to see how much I am capable of changing my body! Yes it is going to be extra challenging because of the issues I have everyday anyways (I go back to the dr this week as well so hopefully we can get some figured out.) but I am bound and determined to see how much I can transform my body in three weeks. I say three weeks because in three weeks I will be attending my man’s graduation from the police academy and I want to look my best.

I intend to have a good workout every day of the week, preferably before work, and to eat extremely clean and low carb. Saturday will be my rest day since that will be the one day he will be home all day with me. I’m not sure how much I can make the scale go down with training hard but at least I can shape my body a little more. I am a natural hourglass so losing weight makes my body more dramatic hourglass which is perfectly fine with me and most definitely fine with my man! 😉

I am going to take a before picture and some measurements in the morning before my workout and I will take and after when the 3 weeks are up. I would LOVE to have anyone who wants to do the challenge with me! The more the merrier! Plus it would be great to share tips and motivation! 🙂

Maybe I’m not crazy after all…

I mean it. I sometime think I’m crazy for feeling the way I do. I don’t know how many times I have heard “your young you shouldn’t be tired,” You shouldn’t be hurting all the time,” that’s weird,” and so on… Yeah I know! It’s not like I want to hurt, be exhausted all the time, and have a hard time sleeping, it’s just my reality. My reality now is I hurt and it’s almost unbearable at times. It’s so frustration when I feel as though I’m not taken seriously. My labs are normal, great but that still doesn’t tell me anything. It isn’t like this is a relatively new thing. It is something I have dealt with for years, it has just gotten much worse.

I may have a bit of a lead anyways. My sister in law is a dr. physical therapist to be exact and she suggested it may be fibromyalgia… I looked into it and for once I read something that described exactly how I feel. I am planning on discussing the possibility with my dr next week, but it is hope that there might not be so crazy as I am beginning to believe. Now I don’t like the idea of having it one bit, I actually intend to do everything I can to help heal my body as much as possible. I don’t really know what to think at this point because it scares me a bit. The unknown scares me, I know there is something wrong it is just a battle making the drs see it. Unfortunately my man has witnessed it more than I would like. He has seen me near paralyzed in pain and crying. He is the reason I want to desperately to figure out what is going on. I promised him I would work on finding out. I love that man so very much! There have been times when I wanted to escape my own body so badly I have considered ending it all, but he is my reason to fight. I could never in a million years hurt him. I will continue to fight because he has given me a reason. I am so glad I have him as my rock.

Guess I’m not too Bulletproof…

Ok I know I said I was going to try to stick with bulletproof coffee with the hopes of increasing my calories would increase my sleep……don’t think its gonna happen…

First off I am really funny I guess but I get turned off by silly things and fat is one of them. I did manage to choke down a cup of bulletproof coffee at both breakfast and lunch yesterday but I was so nauseous all day, I always seem to have that problem every time I have tried it. Anyways by night I was really starting to feel awe full, my med had begun to wear off and I was still feeling nauseous. I ate a little bit of homemade chicken noodle soup(if you’ve never had homemade you don’t know what your missing!) and cornbread but unfortunately I ended up throwing up afterwards. 😦

I really don’t know what to do at this point, I still didn’t sleep regardless of having more calories yesterday than 2-3 day combined. My body won’t seem to let me sleep, I woke up with muscle spasms and a couple places aching. Now I will say that is a HUGE improvement from when I went to bed last night. I waited too long to take my medicine and I ended up writhing in pain until it began to kick in.

I don’t know what this is…I hate it because it has taken away everything that used to be me. I don’t have the energy or stamina to do things I love, horseback riding, working out, running, playing with the girls….  I hope and pray we can get some answers soon..

Anyways I don’t know that I will be able to stomach more bulletproof coffee ( I state as I sip on a cup of nice black, fat free coffee!lol) so I will probably continue on with just watching portions and calories. Honestly its not hard for me to do that as my appetite has somewhat gone out the window. I eat basically so I can take my meds. Perhaps the weight loss is slower but I know I am getting there, even though it has taken kinda a backseat to health in general.

I don’t know if anyone else has dealt with something of this nature but any advice would be welcome as always. I hope everyone has a wonderful day! 🙂


If anyone read my previous post you have an idea of some of the things I am dealing with physically. Well while I was laying awake last night I decided to start trying different things and documenting how they make me feel. I have been trying to lose weight before my fiance’s graduation from the police academy which is April first(yikes! less than a month now! ) and I have cut my calories because of my efforts. Mind you it has been very easy to cut my calories because I hurt so bad it made me nauseous, but since going to the dr. Tuesday and getting something which has helped tremendously I have still continued on low cal.

But I have a problem…… I can’t sleep. 😦 I am not sure if it is because of the medicine or because I haven’t been eating much. Before I couldn’t sleep because of the pain. I have noticed that when I would splurge and have like two slices of pizza after not really eating all day that I slept all night. So perhaps its my body saying it is hungry????? But I still want to lose weight!

I do have to admit here that even though my calories have been very low…I haven’t lost much weight. So……..I am going to do an experiment. I am going to switch out my usual “hot chocolate” coffee or yogurt breakfast for bulletproof coffee. I have had more calories already this morning than I would have for most of the day but I’m not gonna think on that too much……. :/ I am also going to take a coffee with me to work in a paper cup so I can heat it for lunch. I don’t usually take a lunch, other than perhaps a protein shake of fruit, so we will see how this works. LOL Overall I am hoping to function a little better, have more energy, SLEEP tonight and in the long run if I feel like I can continue with it lose some more weight. Its an experiment. 😉 I will say that this morning I am already a lot steadier and it seems it is clearing my lungs out. I’m also not a bit hungry, though haven’t really had that problem anyways in the mornings.lol But still even my stomach isn’t growling.lol This will be interesting anyways.

TO BE CONTINUED………………………………. 😉