OK now I know, I know……. everyone is supposed to love their body and feel sexy in their own skin. Do I ? Yes and no. I do love my body even though at times I feel as though it is torturing me, even still it is mine. I can’t say that I always feel sexy just because I am not where I want to be….yet. My mission is to become the woman I KNOW I am capable of being. I no longer chase ideals of what other people think I should look like, I am chase what ME, MYSELF, and I think I should look like. All my life I have listened to the voices of other people telling me how I looked and what I could or couldn’t look like. I’m done. The only people I seek to please are myself and my man. Both of which are closely tied together.
Perhaps I am old fashioned or not of my time but I don’t want the whole run way thin bones look. Perhaps it was because I grew up watching Baywatch and such that I love the way women’s bodies looked then slender yet still feminine and sexy! Now don’t get me wrong my ideals are just that mine. I’m not saying that someone who is larger and very curvy isn’t sexy. I have seen many very beautiful women who where called plus sized models and they are indeed much sexier than bones. But for me I need to slim down some more to feel my sexiest.
I began a journey a few years ago from being a farm girl who didn’t care what I looked like to someone who has begun to take pride in how I look. I feel as though I am a caterpillar slowly changing and eventually will become a butterfly. That is now my mission. to become that butterfly and make my man proud(don’t get me wrong, he already thinks I am perfect). Self improvement never hurt though. 😉
I don’t mean to sound like a complainer or that I’m weak. I have always been a happy go lucky person. I have always tried my best to never be seen as anything but tough and independent. I have always strove to not have to depend on help from others but things aren’t exactly working out as I planned. It kills me. I hate feeling weak and that I need help but I do. I hate feeling miserable day in and day out. Its as if I can’t even escape my own body. I feel as though I am letting my man down. Its hard to be the woman I want to be for him when I’m hurting and so exhausted I can barely make myself get up and just cooking a meal is a battle.
If I am completely bare boned honest its so hard not to feel depressed. I mean everything that used to define me no longer applies. True dreams change…mine for the better in my mind. I have the man of my dreams quite literally, we are starting our lives together, I have a good job that thankfully is conducive to everything going on at the moment, and I have an extended family that I adore. I have so much to be thankful for yet it is so hard to remember the good when I’m in agony. In a way I have seen a side of my man that I am probably the only one to witness, the gentle nurturing side, and I count my blessings every day for him because he is my reason not to give up and throw in the towel. There have been times I feel as though he fights for both of us. He is my hero because when I’m not strong enough to fight on my own he picks me up and helps me make it through another battle.
One of the things I hate so much about myself is that its so hard to be me. Its hard to smile and laugh and have a good time when you are sick and miserable. I have to admit it is so hard not to get depressed right now…
I mean it. I sometime think I’m crazy for feeling the way I do. I don’t know how many times I have heard “your young you shouldn’t be tired,” You shouldn’t be hurting all the time,” that’s weird,” and so on… Yeah I know! It’s not like I want to hurt, be exhausted all the time, and have a hard time sleeping, it’s just my reality. My reality now is I hurt and it’s almost unbearable at times. It’s so frustration when I feel as though I’m not taken seriously. My labs are normal, great but that still doesn’t tell me anything. It isn’t like this is a relatively new thing. It is something I have dealt with for years, it has just gotten much worse.
I may have a bit of a lead anyways. My sister in law is a dr. physical therapist to be exact and she suggested it may be fibromyalgia… I looked into it and for once I read something that described exactly how I feel. I am planning on discussing the possibility with my dr next week, but it is hope that there might not be so crazy as I am beginning to believe. Now I don’t like the idea of having it one bit, I actually intend to do everything I can to help heal my body as much as possible. I don’t really know what to think at this point because it scares me a bit. The unknown scares me, I know there is something wrong it is just a battle making the drs see it. Unfortunately my man has witnessed it more than I would like. He has seen me near paralyzed in pain and crying. He is the reason I want to desperately to figure out what is going on. I promised him I would work on finding out. I love that man so very much! There have been times when I wanted to escape my own body so badly I have considered ending it all, but he is my reason to fight. I could never in a million years hurt him. I will continue to fight because he has given me a reason. I am so glad I have him as my rock.
I am SO…………sick of this!!! Let me just clarify. I have never been someone to sit around, lazy or weak person. I grew up on a ranch were I busted my butt day in and day out and never had the opportunity to be bored let alone lazy. I was always the hyperactive one outside doing something and playing all the time. In college I broke and trained horses in order to pay for my gas to and from school, etc. I also would get up at 4:30 to be at school at the fitness center when it opened at 6 so I could work out before my 8 am class, which was followed by two pretty intense workout classes and the more academics. When I got home I would work horses feed and then proceed to the basement to my workout equipment to work out again. Now??? I can’t hardly make supper without getting totally exhausted!
I’m so very tired of all this. I am not the same person I used to be… I used to never be anxious or get depressed. I am goofy at heart and adore laughing but I have a hard time even smiling now. 😦 I am ashamed. I hate feeling weak and that is exactly what I am at this moment…
I’m so tired all the time now and the pain never totally goes away. If it wasn’t for ibuprofen, migraine med and aspirin, I don’t know how I would get through work. I just want to figure out what the heck is wrong with me and hopefully figure out a way to fix it!!! I am suppose to be able to take care of my man and the household and its all I can manage to do. I feel like he takes care of me more now than I him. Heck he almost had to carry me to bed last night after a particularly bad spell left me totally exhausted. ( I am just way to hard headed to let him help me that much! Though I will admit he helped me get there.) I want to be normal, healthy……I would just like some answers….
This seems to be a tougher journey than I thought it would be when I initially began this blog. I don’t know where it might lead but I suppose we shall just have to see.
Hello lovelies! I must apologize for not having written in quite a while. There has been so much happen in my life over the past year. One of the biggest struggles I have had, has been living in my own body. Now don’t get me wrong. I love my body and I am learning to love it more and more daily as I am shaping it into the body of my dreams slowly yet surely. No the struggle has been dealing with the pain my own body subjects me to. The worst part is I don’t know why. I am trying to get to the bottom of it as this is something that has gotten worse over the years to the point I can’t stand it anymore.
It’s hard to go from being extremely active, as in breaking and training horses and working out from 1-4 hours a day at the gym to barely being able to lift my arms. Some days it is a battle just to get my makeup on( I usually win even though it may take me a little longer than usual.lol). I am so tired and fatigued it is embarrassing to me. I despise feeling weak, I have always been the independent girl that unloads 2 ton of horse feed by herself just because someone said she was a helpless female!lol 😛 Yet I am no longer that girl. I now struggle to carry one bag of feed more than a little ways and honestly it hurts my pride.
I try to conceal the amount of effort it takes for me to do things and often times I am capable of doing so yet I can’t always hide the pain. I have spent many evenings writhing in pain and many nights lying awake as I can’t escape it. It is as though someone took knives and randomly stabs my body….It almost feels as though my body is torturing itself. My muscles ache and spasm, my joints hurt, I have headaches several times a week, sometimes even my skin hurts. 😦
It has been hard in many different ways, but it has taught me humility and to allow others to help me particularly my fiance. I love that man more than life itself and he never ceases to amaze me at his concern and love. I am so proud of him and thankful to have him in my life. He is currently going through the police academy so its really hard being home alone all week but I’m making it. He makes me all the more determined to figure out what is going on and hopefully figure out how to fix it. He is also my reason to get up everyday and put my makeup on and press onward.
Anyways I am hoping to document my journey as I 1) try to heal my body, 2) shape my body into my dream body, aka lose some more weight, 3) grow my hair long, 4) become the best wife and lover possible. 😉
I used to think I was a decently strong individual. I have always strove to achieve what I considered to be my ideal image of a strong, independent individual. I had become determined to be a woman who could face anything that came my way…. I had pretty well decided I didn’t want a relationship. No one could ever measure up to my first love anyways so why waste my time when I could be using it to better myself and create my own future? That was me. Yet things would quickly change…..
When the love of my life miraculously showed up, and it was indeed a miracle in my opinion, my entire world would be turned upside down. I found out that behind the wall I had built around my heart might have been tall enough and strong enough to hold everyone out but him… I quickly realized how vulnerable I truly was. In all honesty it scared the living daylights out of me. It took me a while to get used to someone actually caring for me and treating me like somebody. He is the first man I have ever had in my life that has ever treated me like a treasure and made me feel like I was good enough. It still blows my mind to think about how blessed I am to have him, which has made it so hard now…. Today I went with him to sign the last of his paperwork to join the military. Next week he is to go and take the ASVAB and his physical….and if all goes well find out when he goes to basic. It has been a hard day…. I feel so weak. I pray I will have the strength I need to be the woman he needs me to be. I know basic wont last forever but at this point it seems like an eternity. With everything going on the last several months, he has become my peace. Being with him I feel safe and secure, I have even almost quit having panic attacks.. With the thought of being on my own again I am so scared. I have decided the best thing I can do is to preoccupy myself to the point that my mind doesn’t have enough time to wonder much. While he is gone to basic I am going to try my darn-est to transform myself. I want to knock his socks off when I finally get to see him again. I am scheduled to work all but three days for the month of May, so between that, moving, and working on becoming the woman I want to be I am hoping the time will fly…..
I believe because I have lived one…. Here is my story.
He was the first friend I made when we moved to our new home when I was 10. He would become so very dear to me. I thoroughly enjoyed spending Sunday evenings devising our own adventures. I can honestly say he was my first and honestly my only crush. I’m sure by this point you are rolling your eyes but it is true. I have never felt towards any man the way I have him. Yet it would become something I despised in myself…. You see when we got to about highschool age we fell apart. he quit coming to my house after church. In fact we quit talking very much all together, the strange part??? I honestly don’t know why. Occasionally we would talk when we ran into each other but only briefly. Every Sunday was torture for me however. I would see him and it was like rubbing salt in a wound. Eventually I would lose all hope of ever being with him.
I did try to move on yet subconsciously I always compared the guys I was seeing to him. I can clearly see that now in hindsight. Though I met some really great guys…..no one came close to him.
Years later he would contact me. Completely out of the blue. I am not typically one to react a lot at surprises, yet when I saw who it was I literally sat down. A rush of emotions would consume me. I spent most of the day at the barn attempting to get work done. There were many times his words literally took me to my knees with a rush of tears. Now I am not typically an emotional person. I grew up believing crying was a sign of weakness therefore there are very few people who have ever seen me cry. I tried my hardest not to get my hopes up that he would stick around. There would later come a day when I believed he was saying good bye…..forever. I have never been so depressed nor cried as much as I did that first day I believed I had lost him…
I decided I was going to forget him… I was going to be an independent woman who didn’t need a man. WHo could take care of herself and live an amazing life on her own. My girlfriends and I actually invented the K.I.S.S motto, Keep It Single Stupid.LOL
However, I believe the Lord had a surprise in store…..once again we would be reunited. I thought it would be so hard to be a friend to him because of all the pain he had unintentionally caused, yet strangely it wasn’t. We talked over ice cream and he asked me on an official date. I still had all intentions of being carefully guarded and not let myself be hurt again. My goal was to keep my distance in every sense of the word. That was all fine and dandy….until he asked me to dance to a slow dance he had chosen on the jute box…. That was the first time I had been close enough to touch him since we were children as I had tried to keep my distance. But from the moment he wrapped his arms around me the walls I had build which made me “cold-hearted” according to other guys melted. And then he kissed me……and all the hurt and pain was forgotten….it was a moment for me when it was as if time froze.
In my eyes the fact we are together is an absolute miracle. There are a lot of details I haven’t mentioned but basically there was no way on earth I ever believed we could or would be together. I am so glad we are though….He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It really is a bit of a Cinderella story. He has helped to rescue me from my isolation. He has shown me there is life beyond working away my life on the ranch, where there were times during the summer when I didn’t have school when I wouldn’t leave the ranch for two weeks at a time and that was only to go to the grocery story for food. Most of all he has shown me love… I never knew love could be like this. To have someone show genuine concern and to take care of me, to shower me with affection and make me feel like the most blessed girl in the world. He has shown me what family is through being accepted into his. He has shown me what home is….and has tamed my gypsy heart. Home is where the heart is and it’s with him. For once instead of hurring to get back to my house and the isolation I had found security in, I hurry to get to him. I run to him when before I would never run to anyone. Perhaps one day I will be able to actually take the time to write our fairy tale to its full extent. I hope I can. For now I am enjoying the journey. There are still obstacles to overcome in this life but for once I don’t have to face them alone. I know that together we will get through whatever life throws our way. I am so blessed for my prince charming to have rescued my heart…. ❤