The Struggle is Real

I am SO…………sick of this!!! Let me just clarify. I have never been someone to sit around, lazy or weak person. I grew up on a ranch were I busted my butt day in and day out and never had the opportunity to be bored let alone lazy. I was always the hyperactive one outside doing something and playing all the time. In college I broke and trained horses in order to pay for my gas to and from school, etc. I also would get up at 4:30 to be at school at the fitness center when it opened at 6 so I could work out before my 8 am class, which was followed by two pretty intense workout classes and the more academics. When I got home I would work horses feed and then proceed to the basement to my workout equipment to work out again. Now??? I can’t hardly make supper without getting totally exhausted!

I’m so very tired of all this. I am not the same person I used to be… I used to never be anxious or get depressed. I am goofy at heart and adore laughing but I have a hard time even smiling now. 😦 I am ashamed. I hate feeling weak and that is exactly what I am at this moment…

I’m so tired all the time now and the pain never totally goes away. If it wasn’t for ibuprofen, migraine med and aspirin, I don’t know how I would get through work. I just want to figure out what the heck is wrong with me and hopefully figure out a way to fix it!!! I am suppose to be able to take care of my man and the household and its all I can manage to do. I feel like he takes care of me more now than I him. Heck he almost had to carry me to bed last night after a particularly bad spell left me totally exhausted. ( I am just way to hard headed to let him help me that much! Though I will admit he helped me get there.) I want to be normal, healthy……I would just like some answers….

This seems to be a tougher journey than I thought it would be when I initially began this blog. I don’t know where it might lead but I suppose we shall just have to see.

Guess I’m not too Bulletproof…

Ok I know I said I was going to try to stick with bulletproof coffee with the hopes of increasing my calories would increase my sleep……don’t think its gonna happen…

First off I am really funny I guess but I get turned off by silly things and fat is one of them. I did manage to choke down a cup of bulletproof coffee at both breakfast and lunch yesterday but I was so nauseous all day, I always seem to have that problem every time I have tried it. Anyways by night I was really starting to feel awe full, my med had begun to wear off and I was still feeling nauseous. I ate a little bit of homemade chicken noodle soup(if you’ve never had homemade you don’t know what your missing!) and cornbread but unfortunately I ended up throwing up afterwards. 😦

I really don’t know what to do at this point, I still didn’t sleep regardless of having more calories yesterday than 2-3 day combined. My body won’t seem to let me sleep, I woke up with muscle spasms and a couple places aching. Now I will say that is a HUGE improvement from when I went to bed last night. I waited too long to take my medicine and I ended up writhing in pain until it began to kick in.

I don’t know what this is…I hate it because it has taken away everything that used to be me. I don’t have the energy or stamina to do things I love, horseback riding, working out, running, playing with the girls….  I hope and pray we can get some answers soon..

Anyways I don’t know that I will be able to stomach more bulletproof coffee ( I state as I sip on a cup of nice black, fat free coffee!lol) so I will probably continue on with just watching portions and calories. Honestly its not hard for me to do that as my appetite has somewhat gone out the window. I eat basically so I can take my meds. Perhaps the weight loss is slower but I know I am getting there, even though it has taken kinda a backseat to health in general.

I don’t know if anyone else has dealt with something of this nature but any advice would be welcome as always. I hope everyone has a wonderful day! 🙂

Bulletproof…

If anyone read my previous post you have an idea of some of the things I am dealing with physically. Well while I was laying awake last night I decided to start trying different things and documenting how they make me feel. I have been trying to lose weight before my fiance’s graduation from the police academy which is April first(yikes! less than a month now! ) and I have cut my calories because of my efforts. Mind you it has been very easy to cut my calories because I hurt so bad it made me nauseous, but since going to the dr. Tuesday and getting something which has helped tremendously I have still continued on low cal.

But I have a problem…… I can’t sleep. 😦 I am not sure if it is because of the medicine or because I haven’t been eating much. Before I couldn’t sleep because of the pain. I have noticed that when I would splurge and have like two slices of pizza after not really eating all day that I slept all night. So perhaps its my body saying it is hungry????? But I still want to lose weight!

I do have to admit here that even though my calories have been very low…I haven’t lost much weight. So……..I am going to do an experiment. I am going to switch out my usual “hot chocolate” coffee or yogurt breakfast for bulletproof coffee. I have had more calories already this morning than I would have for most of the day but I’m not gonna think on that too much……. I am also going to take a coffee with me to work in a paper cup so I can heat it for lunch. I don’t usually take a lunch, other than perhaps a protein shake of fruit, so we will see how this works. LOL Overall I am hoping to function a little better, have more energy, SLEEP tonight and in the long run if I feel like I can continue with it lose some more weight. Its an experiment. 😉 I will say that this morning I am already a lot steadier and it seems it is clearing my lungs out. I’m also not a bit hungry, though haven’t really had that problem anyways in the mornings.lol But still even my stomach isn’t growling.lol This will be interesting anyways.

TO BE CONTINUED………………………………. 😉

Surviving…..

Hello lovelies! I must apologize for not having written in quite a while. There has been so much happen in my life over the past year. One of the biggest struggles I have had, has been living in my own body. Now don’t get me wrong. I love my body and I am learning to love it more and more daily as I am shaping it into the body of my dreams slowly yet surely. No the struggle has been dealing with the pain my own body subjects me to. The worst part is I don’t know why. I am trying to get to the bottom of it as this is something that has gotten worse over the years to the point I can’t stand it anymore.

It’s hard to go from being extremely active, as in breaking and training horses and working out from 1-4 hours a day at the gym to barely being able to lift my arms. Some days it is a battle just to get my makeup on( I usually win even though it may take me a little longer than usual.lol). I am so tired and fatigued it is embarrassing to me. I despise feeling weak, I have always been the independent girl that unloads 2 ton of horse feed by herself just because someone said she was a helpless female!lol 😛  Yet I am no longer that girl. I now struggle to carry one bag of feed more than a little ways and honestly it hurts my pride.

I try to conceal the amount of effort it takes for me to do things and often times I am capable of doing so yet I can’t always hide the pain. I have spent many evenings writhing in pain and many nights lying awake as I can’t escape it. It is as though someone took knives and randomly stabs my body….It almost feels as though my body is torturing itself. My muscles ache and spasm, my joints hurt, I have headaches several times a week, sometimes even my skin hurts. 😦

It has been hard in many different ways, but it has taught me humility and to allow others to help me particularly my fiance. I love that man more than life itself and he never ceases to amaze me at his concern and love. I am so proud of him and thankful to have him in my life. He is currently going through the police academy so its really hard being home alone all week but I’m making it. He makes me all the more determined to figure out what is going on and hopefully figure out how to fix it. He is also my reason to get up everyday and put my makeup on and press onward.

Anyways I am hoping to document my journey as I 1) try to heal my body, 2) shape my body into my dream body, aka lose some more weight, 3) grow my hair long, 4) become the best wife and lover possible. 😉

Army Strong???

I used to think I was a decently strong individual. I have always strove to achieve what I considered to be my ideal image of a strong, independent individual. I had become determined to be a woman who could face anything that came my way…. I had pretty well decided I didn’t want a relationship. No one could ever measure up to my first love anyways so why waste my time when I could be using it to better myself and create my own future? That was me. Yet things would quickly change…..

When the love of my life miraculously showed up, and it was indeed a miracle in my opinion, my entire world would be turned upside down. I found out that behind the wall I had built around my heart might have been tall enough and strong enough to hold everyone out but him… I quickly realized how vulnerable I truly was. In all honesty it scared the living daylights out of me. It took me a while to get used to someone actually caring for me and treating me like somebody. He is the first man I have ever had in my life that has ever treated me like a treasure and made me feel like I was good enough. It still blows my mind to think about how blessed I am to have him, which has made it so hard now…. Today I went with him to sign the last of his paperwork to join the military. Next week he is to go and take the ASVAB and his physical….and if all goes well find out when he goes to basic. It has been a hard day…. I feel so weak. I pray I will have the strength I need to be the woman he needs me to be. I know basic wont last forever but at this point it seems like an eternity. With everything going on the last several months, he has become my peace. Being with him I feel safe and secure, I have even almost quit having panic attacks.. With the thought of being on my own again I am so scared. I have decided the best thing I can do is to preoccupy myself to the point that my mind doesn’t have enough time to wonder much. While he is gone to basic I am going to try my darn-est to transform myself. I want to knock his socks off when I finally get to see him again. I am scheduled to work all but three days for the month of May, so between that, moving, and working on becoming the woman I want to be I am hoping the time will fly…..

My fairy tale…

I believe in fairy tales…………… 

I believe because I have lived one…. Here is my story.

He was the first friend I made when we moved to our new home when I was 10. He would become so very dear to me. I thoroughly enjoyed spending Sunday evenings devising our own adventures. I can honestly say he was my first and honestly my only crush. I’m sure by this point you are rolling your eyes but it is true. I have never felt towards any man the way I have him. Yet it would become something I despised in myself…. You see when we got to about highschool age we fell apart. he quit coming to my house after church. In fact we quit talking very much all together, the strange part??? I honestly don’t know why. Occasionally we would talk when we ran into each other but only briefly. Every Sunday was torture for me however. I would see him and it was like rubbing salt in a wound. Eventually I would lose all hope of ever being with him.

I did try to move on yet subconsciously I always compared the guys I was seeing to him. I can clearly see that now in hindsight. Though I met some really great guys…..no one came close to him.

Years later he would contact me. Completely out of the blue. I am not typically one to react a lot at surprises, yet when I saw who it was I literally sat down. A rush of emotions would consume me. I spent most of the day at the barn attempting to get work done. There were many times his words literally took me to my knees with a rush of tears. Now I am not typically an emotional person. I grew up believing crying was a sign of weakness therefore there are very few people who have ever seen me cry. I tried my hardest not to get my hopes up that he would stick around. There would later come a day when I believed he was saying good bye…..forever. I have never been so depressed nor cried as much as I did that first day I believed I had lost him…

I decided I was going to forget him… I was going to be an independent woman who didn’t need a man. WHo could take care of herself and live an amazing life on her own. My girlfriends and I actually invented the K.I.S.S motto, Keep It Single Stupid.LOL

However, I believe the Lord had a surprise in store…..once again we would be reunited. I thought it would be so hard to be a friend to him because of all the pain he had unintentionally caused, yet strangely it wasn’t. We talked over ice cream and he asked me on an official date. I still had all intentions of being carefully guarded and not let myself be hurt again. My goal was to keep my distance in every sense of the word. That was all fine and dandy….until he asked me to dance to a slow dance he had chosen on the jute box…. That was the first time I had been close enough to touch him since we were children as I had tried to keep my distance. But from the moment he wrapped his arms around me the walls I had build which made me “cold-hearted” according to other guys melted. And then he kissed me……and all the hurt and pain was forgotten….it was a moment for me when it was as if time froze.

In my eyes the fact we are together is an absolute miracle. There are a lot of details I haven’t mentioned but basically there was no way on earth I ever believed we could or would be together. I am so glad we are though….He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It really is a bit of a Cinderella story. He has helped to rescue me from my isolation. He has shown me there is life beyond working away my life on the ranch, where there were times during the summer when I didn’t have school when I wouldn’t leave the ranch for two weeks at a time and that was only to go to the grocery story for food. Most of all he has shown me love… I never knew love could be like this. To have someone show genuine concern and to take care of me, to shower me with affection and make me feel like the most blessed girl in the world. He has shown me what family is through being accepted into his. He has shown me what home is….and has tamed my gypsy heart. Home is where the heart is and it’s with him. For once instead of hurring to get back to my house and the isolation I had found security in, I hurry to get to him. I run to him when before I would never run to anyone. Perhaps one day I will be able to actually take the time to write our fairy tale to its full extent. I hope I can. For now I am enjoying the journey. There are still obstacles to overcome in this life but for once I don’t have to face them alone. I know that together we will get through whatever life throws our way. I am so blessed for my prince charming to have rescued my heart…. ❤

 

 

Weight loss without working out

Hey everyone. I apologize for not having posted in the last week or so. I have had so much going on its hard to even see straight.lol I’ve started a new job which is hopefully training me to run my own business, been waiting to hear if my man will be joining the military, in the process of moving and get to top it off with being sick. Everything is looking brighter though and it has helped me grow a lot.

Anyways…… the post I wanted to write today has to do with the best way to lose weight. Theoretically the more you exercise and cutting back on what you consume should equal weight loss right??? If that was the case I should be skinny. Growing up on a horse ranch I have ALWAYS had to work hard physically. I began to also exercise a lot more as well in an effort to slim down a little. Throw in cutting calories and even falling into some disordered eating one would think I should be pretty slim. Yet I still weight the same. I have had the same 30lbs through all of it. The funny part? The ONLY times I have seemingly lost any weight where holidays where I ate a LOT and had NO additional exercise……Now thats not right! 😛

Quite frustrated I have decided to quite working out. Before anyone starts rolling their eyes let me give my reasons. Firstly with everything that is going on, my time is limited and precious. I would rather spend the hour I would spend working out, hanging out with my man playing catch or something else, especially when there is a chance I won’t be able to see him for a while if he makes it into the military. Secondly, I can not physically handle the additional stress on my body. I had a horse accident back a few years ago in which I messed my ankle up. I can no longer workout without it hurting for days on end(even squats kill me!). Its been swollen for weeks now and with me on my feet all day at my job I don’t need additional stress. Thirdly….I’m just plain tired. I am determined to reach my goals by having fun and enjoying life. I want to go for walks and play sports with my friends, and over all just enjoy each day. Same with food. While I intend to watch what I eat I don’t intend to follow a strict way of eating which sucks the joy out of my meals.

I look forward to changing my relationship towards my body and food. I want to start treating my body with respect and care rather than putting it through torture in an effort to reach a perceived ideal. Being constantly in pain and tired is not appealing to me and it worries my man. Somehow he has the capability to see through my facade that I always feel perfectly fine. Perhaps that is a part of true love…..one truly can see and feel each others happiness as well as pain.

#1 Tip to Boost Your Confidence

Whoa!!! Jeez……who knew doing one simple thing could cause my self-confidence (of which I have NEVER had much of) to start skyrocketing? Not only am I feeling better towards myself, the confidence has begun to spill over into other areas of my life including my job search and my relationship with the man of my dreams (quite literally.lol). So what is my secret?????? EXERCISE!!!!!! 😀 ” I feel good, na na na na, I knew that I would now!!!” (couldn’t resist. hehe) 😉

Ok so I am sure everyone has probably heard about how good exercise is for the body. However, for me the biggest benefit has been mental. Yes I feel incredible physically, but the mental aspects are the greatest reward. I have determination to reach my goals in all areas of my life not just my physical ones, I have greater mental clarity, my stress levels have lessened and I haven’t had a panic attack in quite a while. I have begun to look at my body differently. Instead of seeing all my flaws and wishing I had the body of someone else, I see my own as a unique piece of clay of which I have the ability to mold. I am now working to build a better body rather than tear down and destroy it. I am no where near where I wish to be but I am finding satisfaction in my journey. For once I look forward to the summer months and dare I say……the swimsuits. I am determined to reach some of my milestones this year.

It truly is a cycle…… the first step is to make the decision, the second is to act upon your decision which in turn boosts your confidence. The cool part? It is a continuous cycle! the confidence you get fuels the decision to continue and so the snowball rolls! Isn’t it awesome! lol 😉

Here are some tips to get you started.

1) Set your goals.

* Spend a little time to think about your goals and what you would like to accomplish. Don’t just write down physical goals either, write down any and all. Be specific. Visualize your goals and how you will feel when you have reached them. Write down the reasons why you want to reach them. Basically, take a step back and see what YOU want to be or do.

2) Decide on a reward system.

* Make your journey fun and “rewarding.” Personally, I have decided that each milestone I reach equals a new piece of lingerie. 😀 (I LOVE lingerie, its a confidence booster all by itself in my opinion!) Pick rewards that don’t involve food. In America it seems no matter what the occasion we use food. Perhaps its a southern thing but no matter if its a celebration of a funeral, food plays a major part.

3) Put your plan into action.

* The phrase “Just Do It” ring a bell?? lol I try to plan my workout time for the mornings simply because I know that if I get it accomplished first thing there is a small chance of anything happening and causing me not to do it. (spontaneous get togethers anyone?lol) Plus when I get up and spend the time working out it sets the day off to a great start I’ve noticed and gives me the extra little pep to my step. It makes me feel sexy and able to handle anything. Now what better reason do I need??? 😉

I would love to hear some feedback. What do you do? Do you have rewards you look forward too or perhaps have already won??? What motivates you?

The Path to Self-Love

Self-love. It’s something we hear thrown around a lot these days. We are constantly being told to love ourselves unconditionally not matter what. We are told not be critical of ourselves in any way. Well in theory its a wonderful concept. However, it is not possible to simply flip a switch and automatically begin loving yourself. In reality you may look in the mirror and verbally say to your reflection that you love yourself but if your inner beliefs don’t align with what you say you are essentially lying to yourself………….

Love is something that has to develop over a period of time. It’s not something that all of a sudden you decide. ” you know what from this day on I love myself just the way I am.” It’s not possible…….However, what is possible is to begin building a foundation of love. ❤  We can pick out aspects of ourselves we do love. Perhaps we love our eyes, nose, lips, hair, height, etc. If we search there is always some aspect about ourselves we are proud of and that is what we build our foundation of love upon. The next step is to acknowledge and accept the things we do not like about ourselves. We may not may not particularly like some aspects of ourselves but by acknowledging them we open a doorway for change. In a way it gives us power, the power to transform and change.

One of the interesting discoveries from the 1950’s I’ve made was the fact that it was common to critic one’s own body. Being overweight was not seen as socially acceptable and people were often known to “watch their figure.” I’m not saying by any means shaming is a good thing ( though one could argue we are shamed for not accepting ourselves too) but I do believe that self-awareness is… There are so many health risks associated with being overweight, yet we still receive mixed signals……… On one side we have the push to love ourselves just the way we are, on the other we have constant advertisements for the newest weight loss miracle….. 😛

A good example…..Walmart leading up to Christmas. You walk in the doors and the first things you see are all kinds of treats for Christmas, candy, cookies, etc. the day after Christmas……. its scales, meal replacements, and weight loss stuff…. I literally laughed when I saw it. LOL

The key element I believe a lot of people miss is that by SHOWING yourself love you can not only begin to change you body and health for the better, you will also begin to truly LOVE yourself. The solution, simply spending time everyday on yourself…….YES YOU!!!!!!! Before anyone starts jumping the gun and saying “oh I don’t have time for me,” you have to make time. There are a lot of excuses we could use to justify ourselves, I know because I have used plenty.  School, career, children, husband must come first…….etc. While it is good to want to put others first, it is important not to let yourself suffer because of it. Think about it……… if you spend just a little bit of time on you everyday you will begin to feel better and gain confidence in yourself, which will inevitably spill over into other areas in your life. It is not selfish or even a form of self-hate to have a personal ideal and wish to work towards what you perceive is your best possible self. In reality your saying “I love myself enough to want to take care of me.” I personally know what it’s like to struggle with loving yourself. I come from a past of disordered eating and self punishment. Yet I am learning to love myself and the new found confidence I am gaining has indeed helped other areas of my life. By learning to do things because we want to show love to ourselves our whole mentality changes. Life is indeed much more pleasurable when associated with love.  I would love to hear of any personal stories on your journeys towards self-love…. What is your opinions? Tips? Things you do to show yourself love? 🙂

My Challenge!!! Care to Join???

Good Morning! I hope everyone is off to a wonderful start today and had a great Easter weekend. So far my day is off to a great start. I already fit my workout in for the day and now I am sitting here enjoying a huge cup of hazelnut coffee……OH!!!!! Just the thought makes me tremble with delight! 😀 Anyways….. while I was enjoying getting some me time in this morning I had some interesting thoughts come to mind….

As I have mentioned in my previous posts I have challenged myself to lose the excess weight, get fit and toned. Well I am additionally challenging myself to reach my goals……… at home. Yep…..that means no gym membership. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the gym and I am not saying it isn’t an extremely helpful tool. However, for me personally I have decided to quit going for a few different reasons. 1) I have to drive about 45 mins to get to one (welcome to small town life.lol). 2) I have just recently graduated college and am still trying to find a steady income( I can use the gas money and the extra time saved from driving for more valuable things). 3) I would rather put the $20 a month for a gym membership into running 5ks, which benefit charities. 4) I want to have FUN! I mean who says you have to do things you don’t enjoy simply to reach your physical goals? That doesn’t sound like self-love to me….

We must do things we love for our bodies, not try to put ourselves through what we perceive as torture simply to because it is touted to help us reach our weight loss/fitness goals. IT WON’T WORK. End of story! Been there and done that! lol 😛 Sure it may have some short-term benefits but if you don’t enjoy it, how do you intend to sustain it for the rest of your life? Your mental attitude has a very large impact on whether you will succeed in anything, not just weight loss. If you are doing things you enjoy you are essentially telling yourself, “I am doing this because I love you.” Doing things through a spirit of love is MUCH more effective than trying to do them through a spirit of hate, not to mention it make life so much more pleasurable for you and everyone around you.  ❤ 

Those are my reasons. My challenge is to workout in (and outside) of my own home and through a spirit of love for myself and dare I say for my future family… Is it possible to reach my goals without having to go to a gym? I believe so. I am determined to actually. I don’t see my journey as a short duration…It’s not just till I reach a certain weight or a certain clothing size, to me this is something I need to make a life long habit of for myself and those I love. 🙂