Hello food…

Welp. Its official…..I’ve eaten more calories in the last two days then probably 4-5 beforehand. I had two scrambled eggs and a pinch of cheese for breakfast, 1/2 lb of grilled chicken for lunch, total of two cheese sticks throughout the day to take meds with, 1/2 lb grilled chicken for dinner with a little mozzarella sprinkled on it(oh so good!), and I made some chocolate “cheesecake” pudding (stevia, cocoa powder, cream cheese and a little whipping cream) for dessert and to satisfy my want for something sweet. So yeah. My day was probably around 2000 calories opposed to 400-500. However, I have lost some of my bloat and water weight already. My stomach is flattening back out. I am trying not to think too much about calories because I can get very obsessive over them and I am trying to develop a healthier relationship with food.

I think, actually I know my appetite will begin to fad some more as I get totally weaned off of sugar but for now, if I’m hungry I eat(just like a normal person!lol) 😉 It has been a pretty big jump considering I was living off a fat free greek yogurt for breakfast, dry cereal for snack (1/2-1 cup only),maybe an apple for lunch, and possibly something a little more substantial for supper. I feel like the way I have ate the last two days is a healthier way to live. Honestly, it has given me back a craving for savory foods. I WANT to look at recipes and cook some yummy low carb foods. I want to try to cook healthier for my man as well(may have to sneak that in day by day.lol).

I do feel like I am on the right road. I still hurt but at least I feel like I am making progress towards my dream body anyways. My hair is growing like crazy, getting thinner, now if I could just figure out how to manage the pain and fatigue I’d be golden! 🙂

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Working on my diet..

Yep… I am trying to once and for all get my diet in order. Today has been pretty good. I even gave away a cookie a coworker’s little girl gave me.lol (not gonna fib….it looked so good!) Anyways I am trying to follow low carb/dukan diet. (I have had a little bit of cheese today to take meds with.) I can’t exercise to the extreme to lose weight so I will have to take care of it with my diet. I know if nothing else having the extra weight off will be that much easier on my joints.

I finally broke down and got a microwave yesterday. I know, I know, it’s not supposed to be the best way to cook food. I’ve read all about it but the truth of the matter is it has been so……..much easier to eat real food today. I made eggs for breakfast and I am now eating chicken breast I heated. Don’t get me wrong. I know how to cook, I have been cooking for years. Heck I used to make everything from scratch, even grinding my own flour but I don’t have the energy to do it now. It’s all I can do to get one project done in the evenings when I get in and with only cooking for one during the week it is so awesome to just use the microwave. The bloat from all the dry cereal and yogurt is also disappearing already. I am looking forward to seeing the changes over the next few weeks and I intend to post a before and after at some point.

For now I am just keeping on keeping on, one foot in front of the other. I have hurt a good bit today and I woke up last night in pain but it could be worse.  I hope everyone has a great evening and if there is anyone who happens to read this that is also doing low carb/dukan please let me know! 🙂

Maybe I’m not crazy after all…

I mean it. I sometime think I’m crazy for feeling the way I do. I don’t know how many times I have heard “your young you shouldn’t be tired,” You shouldn’t be hurting all the time,” that’s weird,” and so on… Yeah I know! It’s not like I want to hurt, be exhausted all the time, and have a hard time sleeping, it’s just my reality. My reality now is I hurt and it’s almost unbearable at times. It’s so frustration when I feel as though I’m not taken seriously. My labs are normal, great but that still doesn’t tell me anything. It isn’t like this is a relatively new thing. It is something I have dealt with for years, it has just gotten much worse.

I may have a bit of a lead anyways. My sister in law is a dr. physical therapist to be exact and she suggested it may be fibromyalgia… I looked into it and for once I read something that described exactly how I feel. I am planning on discussing the possibility with my dr next week, but it is hope that there might not be so crazy as I am beginning to believe. Now I don’t like the idea of having it one bit, I actually intend to do everything I can to help heal my body as much as possible. I don’t really know what to think at this point because it scares me a bit. The unknown scares me, I know there is something wrong it is just a battle making the drs see it. Unfortunately my man has witnessed it more than I would like. He has seen me near paralyzed in pain and crying. He is the reason I want to desperately to figure out what is going on. I promised him I would work on finding out. I love that man so very much! There have been times when I wanted to escape my own body so badly I have considered ending it all, but he is my reason to fight. I could never in a million years hurt him. I will continue to fight because he has given me a reason. I am so glad I have him as my rock.

The Struggle is Real

I am SO…………sick of this!!! Let me just clarify. I have never been someone to sit around, lazy or weak person. I grew up on a ranch were I busted my butt day in and day out and never had the opportunity to be bored let alone lazy. I was always the hyperactive one outside doing something and playing all the time. In college I broke and trained horses in order to pay for my gas to and from school, etc. I also would get up at 4:30 to be at school at the fitness center when it opened at 6 so I could work out before my 8 am class, which was followed by two pretty intense workout classes and the more academics. When I got home I would work horses feed and then proceed to the basement to my workout equipment to work out again. Now??? I can’t hardly make supper without getting totally exhausted!

I’m so very tired of all this. I am not the same person I used to be… I used to never be anxious or get depressed. I am goofy at heart and adore laughing but I have a hard time even smiling now. 😦 I am ashamed. I hate feeling weak and that is exactly what I am at this moment…

I’m so tired all the time now and the pain never totally goes away. If it wasn’t for ibuprofen, migraine med and aspirin, I don’t know how I would get through work. I just want to figure out what the heck is wrong with me and hopefully figure out a way to fix it!!! I am suppose to be able to take care of my man and the household and its all I can manage to do. I feel like he takes care of me more now than I him. Heck he almost had to carry me to bed last night after a particularly bad spell left me totally exhausted. ( I am just way to hard headed to let him help me that much! Though I will admit he helped me get there.) I want to be normal, healthy……I would just like some answers….

This seems to be a tougher journey than I thought it would be when I initially began this blog. I don’t know where it might lead but I suppose we shall just have to see.

Guess I’m not too Bulletproof…

Ok I know I said I was going to try to stick with bulletproof coffee with the hopes of increasing my calories would increase my sleep……don’t think its gonna happen…

First off I am really funny I guess but I get turned off by silly things and fat is one of them. I did manage to choke down a cup of bulletproof coffee at both breakfast and lunch yesterday but I was so nauseous all day, I always seem to have that problem every time I have tried it. Anyways by night I was really starting to feel awe full, my med had begun to wear off and I was still feeling nauseous. I ate a little bit of homemade chicken noodle soup(if you’ve never had homemade you don’t know what your missing!) and cornbread but unfortunately I ended up throwing up afterwards. 😦

I really don’t know what to do at this point, I still didn’t sleep regardless of having more calories yesterday than 2-3 day combined. My body won’t seem to let me sleep, I woke up with muscle spasms and a couple places aching. Now I will say that is a HUGE improvement from when I went to bed last night. I waited too long to take my medicine and I ended up writhing in pain until it began to kick in.

I don’t know what this is…I hate it because it has taken away everything that used to be me. I don’t have the energy or stamina to do things I love, horseback riding, working out, running, playing with the girls….  I hope and pray we can get some answers soon..

Anyways I don’t know that I will be able to stomach more bulletproof coffee ( I state as I sip on a cup of nice black, fat free coffee!lol) so I will probably continue on with just watching portions and calories. Honestly its not hard for me to do that as my appetite has somewhat gone out the window. I eat basically so I can take my meds. Perhaps the weight loss is slower but I know I am getting there, even though it has taken kinda a backseat to health in general.

I don’t know if anyone else has dealt with something of this nature but any advice would be welcome as always. I hope everyone has a wonderful day! 🙂

Bulletproof…

If anyone read my previous post you have an idea of some of the things I am dealing with physically. Well while I was laying awake last night I decided to start trying different things and documenting how they make me feel. I have been trying to lose weight before my fiance’s graduation from the police academy which is April first(yikes! less than a month now! ) and I have cut my calories because of my efforts. Mind you it has been very easy to cut my calories because I hurt so bad it made me nauseous, but since going to the dr. Tuesday and getting something which has helped tremendously I have still continued on low cal.

But I have a problem…… I can’t sleep. 😦 I am not sure if it is because of the medicine or because I haven’t been eating much. Before I couldn’t sleep because of the pain. I have noticed that when I would splurge and have like two slices of pizza after not really eating all day that I slept all night. So perhaps its my body saying it is hungry????? But I still want to lose weight!

I do have to admit here that even though my calories have been very low…I haven’t lost much weight. So……..I am going to do an experiment. I am going to switch out my usual “hot chocolate” coffee or yogurt breakfast for bulletproof coffee. I have had more calories already this morning than I would have for most of the day but I’m not gonna think on that too much……. :/ I am also going to take a coffee with me to work in a paper cup so I can heat it for lunch. I don’t usually take a lunch, other than perhaps a protein shake of fruit, so we will see how this works. LOL Overall I am hoping to function a little better, have more energy, SLEEP tonight and in the long run if I feel like I can continue with it lose some more weight. Its an experiment. 😉 I will say that this morning I am already a lot steadier and it seems it is clearing my lungs out. I’m also not a bit hungry, though haven’t really had that problem anyways in the mornings.lol But still even my stomach isn’t growling.lol This will be interesting anyways.

TO BE CONTINUED………………………………. 😉

Surviving…..

Hello lovelies! I must apologize for not having written in quite a while. There has been so much happen in my life over the past year. One of the biggest struggles I have had, has been living in my own body. Now don’t get me wrong. I love my body and I am learning to love it more and more daily as I am shaping it into the body of my dreams slowly yet surely. No the struggle has been dealing with the pain my own body subjects me to. The worst part is I don’t know why. I am trying to get to the bottom of it as this is something that has gotten worse over the years to the point I can’t stand it anymore.

It’s hard to go from being extremely active, as in breaking and training horses and working out from 1-4 hours a day at the gym to barely being able to lift my arms. Some days it is a battle just to get my makeup on( I usually win even though it may take me a little longer than usual.lol). I am so tired and fatigued it is embarrassing to me. I despise feeling weak, I have always been the independent girl that unloads 2 ton of horse feed by herself just because someone said she was a helpless female!lol 😛  Yet I am no longer that girl. I now struggle to carry one bag of feed more than a little ways and honestly it hurts my pride.

I try to conceal the amount of effort it takes for me to do things and often times I am capable of doing so yet I can’t always hide the pain. I have spent many evenings writhing in pain and many nights lying awake as I can’t escape it. It is as though someone took knives and randomly stabs my body….It almost feels as though my body is torturing itself. My muscles ache and spasm, my joints hurt, I have headaches several times a week, sometimes even my skin hurts. 😦

It has been hard in many different ways, but it has taught me humility and to allow others to help me particularly my fiance. I love that man more than life itself and he never ceases to amaze me at his concern and love. I am so proud of him and thankful to have him in my life. He is currently going through the police academy so its really hard being home alone all week but I’m making it. He makes me all the more determined to figure out what is going on and hopefully figure out how to fix it. He is also my reason to get up everyday and put my makeup on and press onward.

Anyways I am hoping to document my journey as I 1) try to heal my body, 2) shape my body into my dream body, aka lose some more weight, 3) grow my hair long, 4) become the best wife and lover possible. 😉